My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Randomize
