I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
