checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
