Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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