All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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