There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize