i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize