Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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