i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
