i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
