you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
