Yo dont text me then not text me
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize