his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
