I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
