I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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