Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
