God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
