im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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