You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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