Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
