You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize