The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
