Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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