my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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