the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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