Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
