Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
