New low: just hacked my moms facebook
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
