We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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