What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
