so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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