walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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