but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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