Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
