I will die if light touches me.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
