a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
