Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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