You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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