I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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