and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize