there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
