Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
