so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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