I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It's blow job season.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
