i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
