I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
