I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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