Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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