my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
