So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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