Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize