I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
