i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
