if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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