woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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